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[Friday, 27 February
@ 2:48am] |
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide-eyed and hopeful.
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[Thursday, 26 February
@ 11:28pm] |
I just don't understand.
I don't understand why the situation as it was until a few days ago became unsustainable. Why couldn't we have just continued that and ignored what was said? What made it infeasible all of a sudden? Am I over-simplifying things?
Now it looks like we can never return to that phase, that place, that short-lived point in time when things were magical. Is the current scenario better than that one? No. Will the future scenario (wherein you move on, and things become civil, sterile and dispassionate) be any better than the one we've left behind? Course not. So what have we gained?
It feels like such a waste.
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| Quelque chose bonne vient de te quitter. |
[Tuesday, 24 February
@ 10:34pm] |
First off, I'm glad you got the job. I knew you had in it you anyway, but to seal the deal after the evening you'd had prior to that; well, that's just amazing. I'm so proud of you.
We're still in the first day of this new period, but it already feels like an eternity. I'm holding out for as long as I can, complying with everything you asked of me, and searching every last corner of my will for the resolution to keep going. The urge to call or text you is now unbearable. I don't even have anything to say. But I know I have to talk to you. What guts me even more is knowing that you have the same urge.
It just doesn't make sense anymore. I don't know why we're doing this or what it's supposed to achieve. This cannot be the way out -- does it really justify what we're going through? Really? This time yesterday we were both giddy; now we're utterly miserable and inconsolable.
For now, I'll do as you say and stick it out for as long as is humanly possible. But at some point I'm going to have to disobey you. I cannot -- and will not -- let you cut me out of your life.
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[Tuesday, 24 February
@ 3:52am] |
While you were begging me to stay
Managed to push myself away
And you as well, my dear
And you, as well
Pushed you away, my dear.
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[Sunday, 4 May
@ 10:58am] |
And all stones you've thrown
They come from your highest throne
Pass them on to me below
They remind me nothing lasts.
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[Wednesday, 20 February
@ 11:20pm] |
Strange as it may appear, now that I realise the full extent of how insignificant and anonymous I always was, I actually feel slightly better about things. Looking back objectively at what I contributed over the last four years -- nothing whatsoever -- everything seems so justified, inevitable and rational. And I can handle rational inevitability.
The denouement doesn't grate on my mind as much (let's gloss over, for now, the fact that if I genuinely was a caring friend, I'd be overjoyed by it); its impact can now be downgraded from a burning, paralysing restlessness to just a dry sense of deflation. No longer will I lament - and be tortured by - my own lethargic complicity in the slow death of that bond, that empathy, that fellowship, the irreversible erosion of my own value: it turns out these things probably never existed in the first place. They haven't been expunged from the pages of time like I had feared; they were just never really there.
Because I was never really there.
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[Friday, 15 February
@ 4:28am] |
It's 4.30am and I'm about to finish the homework. Ah, well, it's not like I would've been able to sleep much anyway.
Say hello
To everything you've left behind
It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it
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[Monday, 11 February
@ 10:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cracked polystyrene |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Explosions In The Sky - Magic Hours |
] |
"...all you can talk about is the latest car that you bought, how you got where you are, what a bloody miracle it all was, and how rich you are. And probably how lonely you are."
I think I used to be someone.
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[Monday, 19 November
@ 10:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tohu va vohu |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mogwai - Team Handed |
] |
I just don't, I don't fit in anywhere, man, I really don't
Human interaction seems to have become a chore. Conversation, should it actually occur, is reluctant and pre-programmed. Punctuated with forced smiles and ascending intonations in order to at least sound attentive. And swiftly brought to an end by the mounting desperation to get the fuck away.
I'm so restlessly avoidant of everyone, because the only thing worse than being alone is not being alone.
How did it come to this?
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[Monday, 5 November
@ 11:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mentally & physically drained. |
] |
The show to end all fucking shows.
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[Monday, 8 October
@ 11:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 motivated, almost combatorial |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jesu - Dead Eyes |
] |
This period seems to mark a new page professionally, personally and academically.
The next 12 months are make-or-break, containing a smörgåsbord of challenges and commitments. I'm about to be stretched in every which way, perhaps to breaking point.
Is this a test? It has to be
But if I dig deep and acquit myself fully, it will also be the most fruitful year so far.
And when you think you know me right I switch it up
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[Sunday, 9 September
@ 11:48pm] |
R.I.P. Rishi Golam.
Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because... this is just a ride.
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[Thursday, 23 August
@ 12:00am] |
And it feels like the only way is the wrong way.
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[Saturday, 18 August
@ 12:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Yndi Halda - We Flood Empty Lakes |
] |
I get the feeling I'll always be an outsider. An outsider to myself.
Not a renegade or a tearaway, just a square peg in a round hole.
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[Wednesday, 20 December
@ 9:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Isis & Aereogramme - Stolen |
] |
For the last few days I've felt desperately unhappy about something. But I can't put my finger on what it is.
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[Sunday, 10 December
@ 12:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Incubus - Blood On The Ground |
] |
The past is always valuable.
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